Good evening, friends

              I must say, that i am feeling.. under the weather. That is to say, battling with depression. Not that this is anything at all new, in fact, i feel that mostly as far back as i can remember, i had this aggravating itch, a gnawing sadness that, though it improves somewhat at times, can be very overwhelming at others. Let me also point out that i am also very optimistic and so absolutely in love with life, and the world and all its heart-breaking beauty. having to point out this last fact, i find rather important, as i have seen many people (and i am including professionals) that feel that it's the Eeyore type that suffer depression, the pessimistic lot that don't appreciate beauty and have thankfulness and so on(though not to say that i don't care or relate to those ones, either, all suffering is real, yeah?) . Anyway, i find most opinions somewhat misguided  and too generalized and, well, egotistical? Perhaps i shall come back to this thought sometime in the future.
   On the subjeect of depression, i am feeling oddly reminded these past few days, with the unfortunate passing of beloved Robin Willliams, as people are mourning, and posting information on social media regarding mental illness and suicide help. i feel isolated. i feel that really, maybe some people care a little bit about my personal (or one's personal) battle or health, but generally, i don't know. who can help?
i also just about brought myself to tears, in trying to find my dang blog at this short window of opportunity. i'm learning these new fangled flibbity-gibbetty contraptions, but perhaps ever so slowly.
 i do feel somewhat awkward, to begin only my third entry with the subject of my writhing mentality, but part of the idea for me to start here was to eventually be honest, to be able to voice my story, where i have often found, through many reasons, it either won't come out,  or won't be heard. One doesn't want to burden the friends or family one has.
 On subject of 'under the weather', i also find a slightly frustrating ailment. While i do in fact quite enjoy rainy days (since especially my youth, being of rather pink complexion and feeling rather singed (skin and eyes) by the sun, the rain was welcome reprieve, the moist air soothing, the darkness refreshing.. though i feel the same, years of working in garden-centres and exploring/ running free in the sun, i have given myself substantial enough damage to tan and somewhat toughen to heat and sun. ) The low barrometric pressure causes migraines. i remember the feeling as a child, but didn't realize it was connected. so, though i find them beautiful and delightful, i still feel rather ill and pained and, well, i find that it affects my sensory uptake and just everything seems weird.
  It is raining now. There is a sensuality that i can't overlook to mention. the deliciousness of the soil opening up, the sweet droplets becoming one a million bajillion times. The growth of life in all it's juicy glory! And the thunder. Let me say, that i, i feel it. i feel it deep in my body, it awakes this sensuality and connection. It rubs my soul and body the right way. i just. sometimes i feel like i am squandering this without someone who can look that bit deeper. Not just see this as sillyness (though i understand it is, like much of the delights in life, rather silly, and fun.. and serious.. ), but to also see that deep need inside me. The full spectrum of it being silly, and whimsical,and sexy,and also intelectual, and carnal,and.. and deeply needed.
  Sorry for the disjointedness, and thanks for coming by. This project, like everything, is a work in progress, one that i appreciate someone is reading from their little window to the world.